SAM SKELTON

If you're a spirit undead in 2016, here's a list of the hottest ways to scare humans.

Child Spirits: Don’t spend time trying to be scary, because most people will find that endearing and get depressed when they can’t pinch your cheek. Instead, do normal kid stuff and watch people piss themselves. Roll a ball down a flight of stairs. Stand idly at the end of a long hallway clutching a stuffed animal. If you’re ready for advanced methods, greet high school kids late at night and tell them you’re the mistake they’ll make in college... 

An everyday couple with grim ambitions.

I sank the carving knife into the bloodied wood, separating the thigh into thick slices. Behind me, the minced carrots cooked on the stove with the potato and cabbage, which would eventually make an excellent soup. The granite countertops were littered with open plastic, knives of all sizes and serrations, and chopping boards. Dim light shone through the window curtains, which were pieced together with recycled clothing. Frankly, I found it tacky, but my wife insisted ...

A man's horoscope predicts that he will die.

“What’s your name?”

“Tom.”

“And Tom, what size?”

“Medium.”

“You mean medio.”

“Is that what you call it now?”

“It’s medium in Spanish, because our beans are grown in Bolivia.”

“Naturally.”
...

A man has worked his office job for far too long.

The fluorescent lights flickered against the gray office walls, shifting my headache into third gear. I took another gulp from the Nalgene on my desk, which I’d already refilled twice. The contents of my wallet bartered their way into my bladder last night, and I had buyer’s remorse the moment I left my empty bed. As I mindlessly took the last sip of my water, my bladder reminded me that it had been an entire half hour since I visited the bathroom. I got on my feet and made my way across the office ...

In Medium, I primarily write short nonfiction pieces.